M

Sometimes you feel like an outsider when you least expected to. Sometimes you catch someone lying to you but you stop caring, because what will you gain by confronting them? Just let them believe they’ve gotten away with it for now, but don’t forget it, because that person does not deserve your trust or your respect.

Let them believe they’ve gotten away with it, and when they realize they were caught in their lie, they’ll feel ashamed. But you will smile, for they will have gotten their own. Because maybe she’s a liar, and a bitch, but you can be too. And she should be afraid because maybe, just maybe, you can play her game better than her.

What's changed 10month lovin?

Maybe you're lovable, maybe, just maybe I can try. If you give me reasons to. You used to give me reasons to love you every day. Every single day I would go to bed happy with you, happy with us. But recently, more and more every day, you disappoint me.

You aren't the same person, or maybe I'm not the same person. Something has changed. Maybe someone new has walked into the picture. I don't know, you don't talk about those things anymore, you barely talk anymore. Our conversations have changed, they used to never end, and now I have to consciously try to make them continue.

I can’t take it anymore. Most nights I go to sleep mad at you. Most nights you don't even realize it; that's the worst part. You only realize it when I stomp off, or when I answer with an 'ok.' You can't do that to me, you can't be so oblivious. I got you a present a few days ago. Did you think of getting one for me? I doubt it. But a gift wouldn't fix what we've got. I think it's doomed, but you can't know that, I can't think that. I'm not allowed to. I shouldn't even write it. We're not doomed, right?

But it's unavoidable.

This world is ever changing, ever moving, ever evolving. Our relationship is maturing, but it’s constricting me. You may be happy but I'm slowly realizing that I'm not. That, this is why I'm not eating, why I'm losing weight. Why I'm tired, distracted and sad. You're the reason I'm so stressed. You're the reason I cry.

But I can't do it.I can't stand to think of being alone, even though I think I love someone else. I can't stand the thought of leaving you. I can't stand the thought of you with someone else. I don’t understand myself now, life used to be so simple. If I was unhappy with something I'd fix it. But now, I’m unhappy and the only solution wouldn’t make me happy, it would just change the cause of my sadness. Leaving him would destroy me, I can’t even ponder it without crying. Leaving him would kill me little by little as I’d watch him date others. I wouldn’t know how to deal with my jealousy.

But then, what can I do?Nothing. I can hope everything works out, I can pray for a solution, for a change in his acts. I can ask for those little details he used to have. For the stolen kisses, the 'I love you' pillows or the 'I like your hair when it's long, especially the way you flick it off your shoulders'.